Stream-of-Consciousness Writing- An Out-Of-Date Formica Bench

SoulStreams

Stream-of-Consciousness Writing

An Out-Of-Date Formica Bench

it might appear to an observer, should they be glancing in my  door, that I found the scarred

out-of-date formica intensely interesting;

in reality or dreamscape, depending on how one viewed life,  my gaze reached far beyond

the flecked surface of the kitchen bench.

I still heard the brisk wind whooshing through the trees

I heard the rain as it stopped & started… stopped and started

still continued to be soothed by the soft background sounds

of mellow music…

before me sat a half-eaten bowl of split-pea soup

made fresh the day before… the warm homely aroma lingered on the cool moist air;

the edge had been taken off my hunger, enough at least

to allow thoughts to wander

beyond the formica bench;

My thoughts, this rainy afternoon, were influenced by two conversations I’d had

earlier in the day; one by phone and one by internet chat.

the tone of the conversations aroused in me deep thoughts and concepts

that challenged my theories on life and what this older me could achieve in terms

of creating & leaving behind a useful legacy.

I’m not talking about writing a vade mecum or Book of Wisdom…

nor even the lyrics to a song the whole world sings –

- although that would be an accomplishment, to be sure.

No…for this earthy hippy-gypsy a book of inspirational poetry may be her most worthwhile

contribution to society; perhaps a collection of inspiring art, perhaps.

And I realized today what is holding me back;

I am no longer that fearsome wanderer who walked the highway & dirt track…

… no longer that spur-of-the-moment adventurer

who leapt first and looked later.

bare honest truth of the matter is I’m scarred;

scared to share my soul with the world… scared to try and fail… scared to try and succeed.

I’m a small fish in a small pond; I can cope with the  ripples in my semi-placid pond…

but what of the tidal waves and tsunamis beyond …

And if I did take that step… and swim boldly into the bigger lake where the big fish play

what of the essence that is me… what of the heart of my creative projects…

would I need to relinquish a certain measure of control?

Would such influences weary my soul?

And what of the stability of my emotional strength?

I can give & give and not feel weary…

but there are those who take… who drain every element of energy,

leaving the more emotive and empathic  souls depleted.

Yes… the honest truth of the matter is I am scared

**

and those are my thoughts, the inner working of my mind, on a day of heavy cloud

where a brisk wind whooshed boisterously through the trees

and scattered showers shrunk the world

to what I saw in the scarred surface

of an out-of-date formica bench.

Sharonlee©26/5/2012 3:39 PM

vade mecum : A concise reference book providing specific information about a subject or location